I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
