Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
