I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
