Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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