Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
