So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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