My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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