i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
