I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
bring money and cleavage
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
