Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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