Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
