I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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