trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
