drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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