I should be sponsored by Trojan
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
