you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
