I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
