I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just cropdusted the office
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
