i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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