You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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