how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
