in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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