Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
