I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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