these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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