How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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