6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
