If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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