Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
