My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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