i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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