youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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