You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
