I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
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thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
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You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my liver is dry heaving
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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