dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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