Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have aggressive nipples.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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