can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
