Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
