honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
