I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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