She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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