I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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