i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
