Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
