so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
