I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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