I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
