Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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