I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Randomize
