i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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