Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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