Don't make out with my wife yet
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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