So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
