It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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