The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
