I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
