So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
