I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
