1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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