I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
