I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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