This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
